User's guide and manual to EDWARD
by ViciousVigilante
Summary: We, ViciousVigilante and Cadaver Carnivorum, are proud to present our collaborative work!


The User's Guide And Manual To

EDWARD

Copyright Tim Burton

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the happy owner of an EDWARD (Scissorhands) Unit! We, C.C. Price and V.V. Price, the grandsons of the honorable Inventor, are proud to present you the new, advanced model of EDWARD. We have made certain benefitious improvements since the beta version (the one constructed by our grandfather) to add up to the performance of the EDWARD unit. We promise that if you follow the instructions below operating your EDWARD unit will be a most enjoyable and unforgettable experience.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: EDWARD (Scissorhands)

Type: Android (male)

Manufacturers: EGI (Extremely Gothic Inventions) ltd.

Height: 5 ft. 10 inches

Weight: 130 lbs (+ 4 lbs scissors' metal)

Length: 12 inches (that's the scissors!)

ACCESSORIES

Your EDWARD unit will be shipped to you as soon as possible. Units are delivered in a protective casing (black overalls manufactured from space-age materials for the purposes of decency as well as safety). In addition, your EDWARD unit is shipped with a spare set of scissors, sharpening equipment and a free copy of the beta-testing video report (generally known as the movie "Edward Scissorhands").

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS

Your EDWARD unit has been designed to be exceptionally user friendly, so basically you will not find any problems in communication. Unfortunately, due to the unit's extreme shyness the feedback is not fully functional. Nevertheless, he perfectly understands voice commands. Your EDWARD unit has a creative personality, so, like all great artists, he is to be handled with care. He is also a self-training mechanism, and thus can be used in additional activities except those mentioned below. Use your imagination!

Your EDWARD unit has three basic modes which are set either by voice commands or at the unit's will.

HOUSEHOLD MODE

In this mode your EDWARD unit is very useful and can perform various functions. For one, he is a perfect replacement of a kitchen machine. The thoroughness of cutting vegetables and other products is set by voice. You do not have to instruct your EDWARD unit on the peculiarities of kitchen work due to the in-built insight block.

If you happen to own some land around your house, your EDWARD unit can be employed in place of a lawn mower. He gets quite carried away during this work, that's why we advise you to remove water hoses, garden gnomes and domestic animals from the area under treatment beforehand. Don't worry about the safety of your flower beds: your EDWARD unit is unable to cut them down due to his sharpened sense of beauty. Instead, if he comes across a flower bed while working, he'll remove all the weeds in no time.

In addition, if you are engaged in paperwork and experience problems with unwanted documents, your EDWARD unit can be used as a perfect shredder (Please do not use this manual to test this function!).

CREATIVE MODE

Your EDWARD unit's imagination and creativity know no bounds. It is intended that this mode works permanently to bring you and other users' pleasant surprises. In summer you can just leave him alone in the garden and watch your beloved neighbors die of envy while gazing at your amazingly shaped bushes and treecrowns (Please don't ask neither yourself nor EDWARD how he manages to cut the latter at a height of 9 ft. or more. We would inform you if we ourselves knew the answer). Of course you can show mercy and lend them your personal landscape designer for a day or two.

In winter (assuming that your do have some decent winter in your parts) your EDWARD unit will gladly demonstrate his sculpting skills. As a side effect, this process produces some practically fairy-tale snow. When you admire the results of his work, please do not adhere to the saying "beauty is always on the inside": the ICE sculptures will gladden your eyes for much longer when left outside. Warning: during Christmas, NEVER leave EDWARD alone with the Christmas tree: he will try to give it a trimming and will be hit by electricity when he touches the garland.

Your EDWARD unit can also make a fabulous hairdresser. His abilities are not restricted to women's hairstyles: EDWARD can work with men, children, cats, dogs, guinea pigs and practically everything that has some hair to be cut. While you can always haircuts from a standard catalogue as models, it is always more interesting to rely on his imagination. Users always adore his own designs, but you should remember that your hair shall not be reimbursed to you. Considering the latter, it is strongly advisable that you sit still and try not to shift in your seat during the operation. If you do not panic, your EDWARD unit won't either! A good way to save you from a lethal cranial trauma, if you ask us.

SOCIAL MODE

If you find yourself talkative, try switching your EDWARD unit to Social Mode. Even in the very beginning he makes a perfect silent listener, though he still has to adapt to communication. The shyness factor will not allow EDWARD to yell at you or engage in arguments and quarrels, that making him a marvelous company. His indescribable, although extremely appealing facial expression will be especially adored by the younger members of your family. Your EDWARD Unit, in return, is fond of children and house pets, so they'll love to spend the time with him, giving you several moments of precious peace. Nevertheless, he will NOT make a good babysitter to leave your kids alone with him. We program our EDWARD units' patience to be practically inexhaustible, to the point when he is able to endure stoically different kinds of your guests' attention during a house party. Hint: if you employ Social and Household modes simultaneously during such an occasion, you will be rewarded with an amusing cooking show and some delicious barbecue! (See the beta testing video report for more information).

Your EDWARD unit has a self-training function which makes possible the appearance of additional modes according to the situation. The most widespread are:

Courting Mode

If you have a young and pretty female family member, EDWARD will surely pay attention to her. But don't worry: he cannot possibly be too persistent or rude due to his extreme shyness. If she happens to be afraid of him, we assure you that this is perfectly normal reaction; besides, he is patient enough to endure shrieks of horror, hysterics etc. Soon she'll get accustomed to him and, according to statistical data, hardly any girl can resist his gentle features, melancholy gaze and cute awkwardness. The presents he will make for her using Creative Mode (like her ice portraits) shall completely conquer her heart. If you disapprove of your daughter's unpleasant wooer and you wish to get rid of him, your EDWARD unit will serve as a perfect substitute. Attention: warn the unpleasant wooer beforehand, or should he turn too aggressive, EDWARD will literally get rid of him, going into

Protective Mode

Although the scissors were not originally designed to serve as a weapon, they can be employed in such manner (see beta testing video report for details). Your EDWARD unit is very devoted to you and your family, especially the object of his courting, and will risk life and scissor to protect those close to him. If your daughter goes for an all-night disco with EDWARD, she will surely come home safe and sound. You will never need to worry about burglars, maniacs and aggressive wooers. He always stays within the limits of necessary defense and will never kill anyone (at least on purpose). Warning: these limitations may fail in

Angst Mode

You should ALWAYS handle your EDWARD unit with care if you don't wish him to switch into this extremely unpleasant mode. And you don't, trust us. But if anything or anyone happens to frustrate EDWARD against your will, here are some symptoms to define whether he has gone into Angst Mode.

If you come home and see some pieces of furniture or décor badly damaged, you will know that somebody has offended your EDWARD unit. NEVER attempt to scold or reproach him: this will only make matters worse. Instead, try to have a sincere talk or better find a good psychotherapist without a phobia of sharp objects. If you for some reason have missed this stage, next EDWARD will leave all his clothes (except the protective covering) behind (usually cut beyond repair) and retreat in an unknown direction. This behaviour is in-built so that he will not go on a killing spree. If you wish to seek him out, try some abandoned and gothic-looking buildings or ruins you happen to have in the neighbourhood, preferably on high ground. A trail of vandalisms (e.g. pierced tires and indecently shaped bushes) will ease the search. When you locate your EDWARD unit, handle him EXTREME care and make sure there are no angry neighbours or aggressive wooers around (for their own safety). If, despite your exhortations, he decides not to return and remain in his hiding place, we will NOT replace your EDWARD unit with a new one. After all, it is all your fault: you've seen the beta-testing video report, you've read the instructions, but still… The new EDWARD unit will be just as unhappy in your possession and thus we consider such replacement non-humane (or non-androidal, as you like) and violating the unit's rights (see Declaration of Android Rights, art. 17, paragraph 2).

MAINTENANCE

CLEANING

Your EDWARD unit does not have to sweat since he has a water thermoregulation system. So the problem of bad smell is out of the question. Nevertheless, he can get dirty when performing household duties. Thus he still experiences a need of bathing, although quite rarely. Make sure you have a long bath sponge with eyelets. Don't worry: while bathing EDWARD won't damage anything (of course if you do not disturb him or make him nervous). We recommend you not to perform the bathing manually: he is too shy for that. On the other hand, if wish so desperately to take care of your EDWARD unit, you can wash and arrange his hair before an important outing. This, on the contrary, shall prove rather pleasant for him.

Unlike the beta version, your EDWARD unit's scissors have been manufactured from stainless steel. So feel free to wash them in the sink or rinse with a water hose: they will never get rusty! Nevertheless, be careful: the scissors ARE sharp. And when we say "sharp", we mean it.

REFUELING

Your EDWARD unit obtains energy for operation from consuming carbohydrate, protein and lipid compounds (commonly known as "food"). Make sure you supply your EDWARD unit with a sufficient amount of dihydrogen monoxide (also known as "water"). It is extremely undesirable that you try to fuel your EDWARD unit with solutions of alcohol of any concentration. The amount of energy obtained this way is so tremendous that it leads to overheating and shutting down (temporary) of the unit. Also, don't let your neighbors to fuel EDWARD by themselves, especially with home-made salads. If you wish to know the reason behind this advice, consult the beta-testing video report.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Why does the protective coating look so aggressive with all its black leather, metal pendants and rivets? Is my EDWARD unit into BDSM or something?

A: The protective covering is made from extremely flexible and durable yet tensile plastic, not leather (we observe animal rights as well as android rights). The metallic pendants are installed to be used by your EDWARD Unit to remove the covering, not for aesthetic purposes. The rivets' purpose is holding the covering together (it is so sturdy it cannot possibly be sewn). The design was originally devised by the Inventor to add up to the gothic flavor of the unit. But is has NOTHING to do with BDSM, which back then wasn't even invented. After all, everyone thinks to the degree of his own perversity, so drive all the BDSM thoughts out of your head. Mind that it violates android rights and may result in your EDWARD unit switching to Angst Mode.

Q: My EDWARD unit is experiencing problems with performing such basic activities as eating, bathing and using the lavatory. Why didn't you include normal hands shown in you commercial into the set? Are they still not finished?

A: The hands accessories were finished during the construction of the prototype. Unfortunately, due to the chief (and only) engineer's of the product sad demise they were not used during beta testing. Since we found the demand for the Scissorhands version surprisingly high, we decided not to include the hands accessories into the basic set. After all, if you had hands ready to be installed, the unit wouldn't be called "Scissorhands", would it? Still, you can make a separate order for the hands if you like (see section "spare parts and aссessoires" of our catalogue for more information).

Q: Is it safe to leave my EDWARD unit at home on his own? I'm afraid he'd spoil the furniture or interior decoration as it was shown in the beta-testing video report.

Normally your EDWARD unit is not programmed to vandalism and treats everything very carefully… well, at least he tries to. But if his default awkwardness really makes you worried about your vulnerable property (e.g. a water mattress), you can apply protective covers on the scissors (the ones he was shipped with). However, due to extreme sharpness of the scissors you may find this measure somewhat ineffective, especially when EDWARD unit has gone into Angst mode (see above). In that case, you can either replace the coverings (ordering an extra-proof set from our accessories catalogue) or uninstall the scissors (which, unlike the ones in the beta version, are easily removable). Although your EDWARD unit definitely will not be pleased, consider his embarrassment in case he actually breaks or pierces something.

TROUBLESHOOTING

Problem: My EDWARD Unit appears to have blond hair and insufficient height. What's more, there are no scissors! Instead, some of his limbs are replaced with mechanical prostheses.

Solution: You should have specified your order more exactly. Due to your carelessness you have been supplied with an EDWARD ELRIC (aka Fullmetal Alchemist) unit. Next time we advise you state which particular EDWARD unit from our assortment you really need. While this EDWARD is also extremely useful, it is used for more aggressive purposes and is not fully functional without an ALPHONSE unit. You can order the abovementioned ALPHONSE unit to operate it alongside your EDWARD (Elric) unit. Although if you actually seek to employ your unit for design purposes we will gladly exchange your EDWARD (Elric) unit for an EDWARD (Scissorhands) unit free of charge.

Problem: My EDWARD unit looks extremely nervous and absent-minded. I've caught him several times stirring his scissors subconsciously and cutting himself, his clothes and everything around him.

Solution: Your EDWARD unit's nervous instability is a side effect of his fine nature. As you might know, almost all great artists experienced agitated conditions similar to EDWARD's. Remember Van Gogh who cut of his ear without any in-built scissors. Compared to this the damages dealt by EDWARD are minor and can easily be fixed with a sewing machine and a drop of make-up (a special set designed by our leading beta-tester and Avon distributor Peg Boggs can be ordered from our catalogue's "Accessories and spare parts" section). If you don't want your EDWARD unit to deal those damages in the first place, try calm him down and find him some work to do (preferably creative – e.g. cutting roses from carrots will be just fine).

Problem: My EDWARD unit is unpleasantly awkward and has some bizarre gait. He even damages the wiring and gets hit by electricity when bumping into household appliances.

Solution: Hide the electrical wires from EDWARD's direct access. As for the rest, it's not a bug, it's a feature. Although during beta-testing we considered it a problem, the surveys showed that this awkwardness is a pivotal component of the unit's popularity, so we decided to leave it as it is. If you still need a unit with smooth movements and confident gait, we advise you to exchange your EDWARD unit for our relatively new SWEENEY TODD unit (based on the same prototype). Warning: do NOT allow children and pregnant women to watch the beta-testing video report for this unit.


End file.
